What do you do when you see a ghost? What do you do when you become one?
I saw my father this morning. The man who created me 32 years ago and left me (and everyone else) 23 years ago showed himself this morning. I see him often, actually, but normally he looks fuzzy; his features seeming to blend into those of my mother. This morning, he was crystal clear. As I pushed into my cheeks, I saw his respond under the pressure of my finger. I saw the mouth that spit on the inside of the car window when I was a child - the eyes that stared at the television as I jumped on his back - the nose that took its last breath in a hospital bed in Flushing, New York, in September 1986, alone.
He's haunted me for 23 years, and today was no less. I stared at his clear form as I washed my face. Sometimes he's not a ghost. Most times he's a shadow. A father's shadow never fades. Never lessens. It only grows. The more you do, the more you realize that you can't do enough. The more disappointment you find. The more failure becomes every option. And this morning he stared at me. He pleaded with me to live up to his dreams. I now realize, all of my dreams are his.
The plaque that bears his name where he rests, is a sign in my mind; a memento mori. It reminds me that nothing that I can do will suffice. And, no matter how successful I may become in the eyes of this world, his future and present will beckon me.
very touching.
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